Coming to Know Yourself More Fully

In my work as a coach to founders and leaders, one of my favorite approaches for helping clients get unstuck is by using a method called parts work.

Developed by therapist Richard Schwartz, parts work involves viewing our personality as an assembly of different parts, each representing various aspects of ourselves. By engaging with these inner voices, we can gain deeper self-understanding and address challenges more effectively.

This might sound a bit weird at first, many of us naturally recognize this internal dynamic.

For instance, you might have thought, “A part of me wants to go to the party, but another part just wants to stay home tonight,” or “A part of me craves pizza, but another part thinks I should eat something healthier like a salad.”

Similarly, during disagreements with a partner, you might feel, “A part of me wants to give them a hug, but another part feels angry and invalidated.” When different parts come into conflict, it can lead to feeling stuck or behaving in ways that we later regret.

All of these are examples of parts of us having wants to needs. What can get tricky is when different parts come into competition. This results in feeling stuck or one part taking over resulting sometime in behaviors that we aren't proud of.

If you've seen the movie Inside Out, you've also seen a simplified picture of what this looks like as Joy, Sadness, Anger, and crew jostle for the controls of Riley's life.

The Goal of Parts Work

Our parts function like an inner table of advisors. Some are loud and demanding, while others are quiet and easily overshadowed. Some are reactive, and others proactive.

Through working with parts we can come to understand our table of advisors and skillfully work with them to get all needs met.

Amidst all of our parts, there is also what Richard Schwartz calls the Self - this is our true core of who we are - the clear, loving, and aligned you.

The simple act of identifying aspects of yourself as parts, develops more access to Self. Through Self, we can appreciate each part’s positive intention. This is crucial: every part, even those acting out or causing distress, has a positive intention for us.

For example, returning back to our dinner example: "A part of me wants pizza, and a part of me thinks I should eat something healthy like a salad."

Seeing those two parts, your Self can understand what they both want. The pizza loving part might want to indulge in some greasy cheesiness. The salad part wants to be responsible and healthy.

And from Self, you might decide any of:

1. "Today I'm going to have one slice of pizza and a big salad."
2. "You know it's friday and I've ate well all week, so let's go for pizza...and breadsticks too."
3. "I really want to work on my weight, tonight I'll have salad and put some of my favorite toppings on it so it's exciting too."

This might seem simplistic, but without accessing Self, we often end up with limited choices because one of our parts has a louder voice at the table.

The magic of parts work is revealed in understanding the positive intention all of our parts, bringing all of these voices to the decision making table, and allowing Self to guide our lives with that knowledge.

How to Work With Your Parts

Beginning to work with parts is straightforward yet can feel a bit strange at first. Be patient and remember that you're simply developing a relationship with a certain aspect of you.

You don't need to work with a coach or therapist to benefit from parts work. If you want to dive in deep, Jay Earley has an excellent guide called Self Therapy that walks through all sort of ways.

I've also included a short guided journalling below that can be used to try this out for yourself.

Guided Journalling Prompts to Access Parts

Setup

Find a quiet space where you can be alone for 15-30 minutes with a journal and a pen.

Step 1: Connect

In this step, you're simply developing contact with a part. Choose a part that you're aware of and get curious. This may come easily or require some patience.

• Begin by taking a few deep breaths.
• What part of you would you like to talk to or connect with?
  • Write it down
• Is there a place in your body where you experience this part?
  • Is is small or large? Hot or cold? Soft or firm?
  • You might not always find a feeling, but if you can place it in your body, it can be easier to stay in contact with the part as you work this process.
• Are there any thoughts or images that come with this part?
• Does this part have a name that it wants to be called?

Step 2: Feelings

• How do you feel toward this part?
• Is there any judgement or resistance?
• What are you curious about with this part?

Step 3: Befriending

• Now, ask the part:
  • "What would you like me to know?"
  • "What is your role?"
  • "What do you want for me?"
  • "Do you have anything else you want to share?"

As you explore these questions, aim to understand and appreciate the part’s purpose. By validating its intentions, you invite it to join your inner table of advisors.

Step 4: Return to Self

• Thank the part for being with you.
• Take a few deep breaths and stretch to reconnect with your sense of Self.
• Journal on:
  • What did you learn?
  • What is next for you?
  • How might I continue to relate to and honor this part?

Now I will say, that this sort of guided journalling can have mixed results for me and probably you as well. Sometimes it's quite easy to access and see a part, others are trickier. Either way, honor yourself for trying to grow in your understanding of yourself.

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)

- Walt Whitman